Sometimes, I must be crazy

Nkky threw a temper tantrum twice this week and broke up with me (both time) even though we broke up about two weeks ago and I still haven't "officially" taken her back. I've been thinking too much about things involved with my previous post to put up with her irrational behavior.

Perhaps I should just run screaming toward the hills and never look back.

I don't know.

Should I be with someone that I truly love knowing that she may never be able to tell her family about me? Knowing that I will spend the rest of my life as the "best friend" or the "roommate." In their eyes... Sure, they will have their suspicions,  but.. Is it okay to hide for the one you love?

This sounds like a a geek question. I'm a geek in many ways, but not when it comes to this. I honestly wouldn't care one way or another. Although, that blind guy with the head band over his eyes seems pretty cool. I love Reading Rainbow!

Thanks for all the sweet comments... Last week was incredibly difficult for me in one sense.. but.. A fucking lot of fun in another. Let me explain.

My grandmother was a great woman. Before my grandfather passed in 2002, her and my grandfather were incredibly active in my life. For years there was rarely a softball game, basketball game, cross country meet, soccer game, or music event that they did not make it to. I spent summers at their house until I was about 10, then I had so many things going on during the summer that my grandparents maroon mercury was my dressing room for quick changes between practices and games, their car was my bedroom, it was my dinner table when I had peanut butter and jelly and granola bars. With a few pretzels, and some Sunny D. Their car was my home away from home.

When Grandpa died that mercury had been gone for years. It had replaced by a station wagon.. My grandpa that was once in the drivers seat was replaced by my grandmother.. then the car sat in the driveway, as I drove them around town. The doctors appointments were constant. My grandmother had been smoking for years and my grandfather was showing signs of Alzheimers. He was a healthy man. A courageous man. And when he died, he died quickly. From the time he got sick until the time he died was less than 2 weeks. I found that to be pretty quick.

My grandmother, she was a crazy woman. An alcoholic, who went through a hard childhood, only to spend years away from alcohol, relapse, and start the cycle all over again. Once grandpa died she lived alone for less than a year before going in to independent living. There, she would obtain alcohol by asking one of the grandkids, or paying an orderly to get her some. They always did... I was guilty of that myself. Even before my 21st birthday I was bringing her beer, and wine... Until it got so bad that I had to stop. She still found it.

She died happy. For that, I am grateful. An amazing woman with a warm heart. I love her. And even though I could write about her and grandpa for pages, and pages... I have to stop now because the tears are running down my face so hard right now, that I can hardly see to type.

Maybe I'll write more tomorrow.

Goodnight, friends. And thanks again!

My grandma died about 2 hours ago.

We were close. I'm sad.

Goodnight!

Love is so FUCKING complicated.

I hate it, but I love her...

Who cares?

But... To answer the question... Miley Cyrus.
Just kidding. Though kids around the world love her, I think the ultimate pop star is the most anti-pop star around... Pink!  I have loved her since she actually had pink hair. Which, come to think of it, really wasn't that long ago.

These Jonas Brothers seem pretty popular too. But, they're so boring to me! Who are they, anyway?

Like promised.. I'm updating more. I've missed you, all!

I have been sitting here for a bit, trying to find something to say that is profound, but.. I am left with nothing but blood shot eyes and hunger pains. Life has kept me awake until dawn only to keep me up until dawn of the following day. Tomorrows turn to yesterdays which fade into the day after. Sometimes, I wish I could rewind my life to three sugar free Red Bulls earlier. At four AM I stare at the clock with much intent, wishing I were a character from Harry Potter who could, successfully, throw the clock back 5 hours.. Or five days. Then, I would like to press pause, sleep for three days, and press play... Putting my whole world in timeout for a bit. Not quite Rip Van Winkle, but more than a commercial break on life.  At least I am loved though, and for that I cannot complain. Although Nkky and I have gone through our times, there is no doubt that she loves me. After the last girl I was not sure my heart would allow me to fall in love again... But, it just might.  If only I could take control of the remote to fast forward and see...

It is back to studying for now. 

Love you all!

It's been a while... <hides head in shame>... And here is the scoop.

Nkky and I are doing great.

( Drunk pics... )
I am a good half way through my last semester as an undergraduate. I am more stressed than ever, but more laid back at the same time. I love having two of my best friends as my new roommates.  I've missed you all. For those that are left, thank you for hanging in there! I would like to promise to update more, but.. That failed last time so all that I can promise is that I will TRY and update more! 

I love you all, friends!

Its been a decade since I have updated, friends, and for that I am truly sorry. I've been on vacation, then school started, and blah blah blah... Now its September. I'll update soon, I double promise.

I hope all is well!!

I don't fucking know.  Probably something really stupid, because whenever I am asked such a ridiculous question I often just stare, dumbly, at the person asking it. If this "person," were an alien, I think I would spend more time apologizing to them for landing on such a screwed up place than I would explaining what Earth is like.

Maybe I'm just bitter.

I have been a lot more happy the last few days. I attribute part of this to the fact that I got absolutely schnockered the night before July the 4th, but... Whatever. The rest of the time I have been sober as hell.  And still happy.  Imagine that? 

I think things are going to slowly start to get better.  I have already started to think about possibly, maybe, in the some time future, go out again. I need a makeout partner something awful. Just making out, nothing more anytime soon. I can't deal with that emotional connection that lives deep in your soul when you have that special person. Because when the relationship is over, and your soul gets ripped out of your ear, it is that connection that you miss.  At least its the connection that I miss.  Everyday.  But, I'm getting better now. 

I attribute the other part of my happiness to my fabulous LJ friends.  I am thinking about making this journal friends only since it basically is anyway.  What do you think about this?  Does it really matter? I better not have any lurkers (speak now, dammit) because my life is definitely not that interesting. That's creepy.. folks.

Goodbye, friends!

I have been a vegetarian for over ten years now. I ordered a cheese and potato burrito from a mexican restaurant today, and when he brought it out the burrito was cheese, beef, and rice.  I thought if I just took all the beef out (it was pretty separated) that I would be fine.

I puked.

Never again!




I love my LJ friends. xoxo

It is my friend Tiffany's birthday today. I need to get her a gift, but I have absolutely no idea what she would want. I'll have to go look tomorrow after class.

If Sam doesn't want to be with me anymore... Why does she keep texting me? It doesn't make any sense. I want to continue to talk to her, because she means more to me than anything, but... It's hard. I don't know what to do. The chick with all the answers has none. Ah, well.

I smiled a lot today. I was happy, mostly, I even danced. 

Hope all is well, friends.

I just wish I could stop crying.

I have seen this happen to so many friends, always telling myself that I would know.  I would be able to not let  myself  fall in love in order to keep the pain away.   I failed miserably.  I let me be the person I strive to be, and came up hollow chested, tear stained, defenseless, and worse... Alone.  I'll be okay though.  The right girl for me would not bring such pain.  She would do all that she could to keep the pain from getting near.  The right girl will be strong enough to trust herself, and confident enough to trust me.  The right girl will be courageous enough to believe that the strenghts and weaknesses of others are what make them valuable. Breakable.  And true.  In the game of love, there are no regrets.  There are no stolen bases, relief pitchers, extra innings or bat boys.  But there are strikeouts, and grand slams.  The right girl will realize that a strikeout does not mean a failed pitch, or a failed swing, but a failed attempt.  An attempt that, given a different day, with a few changes in circumstance, could have been a grand slam.  But, on this given day, with these given conditions, the swing fell short.  Even if the game was lost, it was not that single strikeout that caused the team to fail.  It just was not their turn to succeed.  The right girl will love me, for me, and I will show her the love that she deserves.  As we find each other, we will grow to appreciate all the previous strikeouts that encompass life.  I am just waiting for the right girl to share the grand slam with.

She's out there. 

Thanks for the kind words from today and yesterday, friends.  They meant more to me than I can fully express.

I'll be leaving in about 13 hours... I can't fucking wait.  I am so incredibly excited it is unreal!

I hope everyone has a marvelous weekend!  Take care, for now!

I am pretty much talentless, to be honest.  However, I do seem to have the ability to make people laugh when they're down, especially when I don't mean to.  I also, tend to say the wrong thing in class, because sometimes my mouth moves faster than my brain.  The class loves it, but the professors often roll their eyes. Whatever.  Its never offensive, just sometimes often unnecessary.

My friend is an amazing oboe player.  A professional, actually.  She is currently a music teacher at an elementary school, but in the summers she tours the United States. She's also been to China, and South America.  She is pretty remarkable.

This is a pretty stupid question.
Cheese should go on food, particularly salty food.
Cheese should not go on plants, stairs, shoes, bubblewrap, or hair. Cheese should not go on your significant other, relative, boss, or local politician.  Unless they really deserve it.  If they do, make it the fake, aerosol kind.  It is probably more fun that way.

On my way to Austin, I would call all of my family and close friends, and tell them I loved them.  Shortly outside Austin I would stop by a Bank of America and withdraw my entire college fund, savings, sell all of my stocks and get a check issued.  Addressed to Sam.  It would be enough money to buy her a pretty nice new car, rent for at least two years, and then cash to blow on other things.  I would ask her to please make sure that my mom was alright.  Maybe they could meet each other and be friends. I would ask my mom to drive to Austin so I could give her a big hug before I went where ever I am to go.  I am not afraid to die, I just don't want to die alone.  My mom is my best friend, and Sam is the person, that if it were up to me, I would never have to live without.

Sounds good.  Yep.